There are so many days I walk through this life wondering if my outside is really projecting what my inside is saying. Then, feeling like I might not measure up, I begin the tally by looking around to see how well everyone else seems to be doing.

I’m loud.

I’m opinionated.

(I’m about positive) I say the wrong thing. A lot.

(I’m pretty sure) I probably do things the wrong way. Often.

I have cringed inwardly more times than I can count because my non filtered thoughts have become my non filtered words.

I have hurt people’s feelings because what I think is funny, others have not understood and taken as mean.

Because I am so blunt in the way I say things, my words have been heard with connotations I did not include by those who have never taken the time to get to know my heart.

I have failed my children over and over again by being too angry, not forgiving easily enough and too impatient to remember I was once their ages too.

I’m mean to my husband sometimes (no, not on purpose though he probably thinks it is).

I’m a terrible friend. I forget dates. I forget to call back, text back or check in.

I have father’s day gifts for my dad in boxes for the last 3 years or so because I have forgotten and left them at home. His birthday card is here beside me now from where I forgot to mail it.

I don’t pray like I should. I don’t read my bible like I use to. I feel like a fraud in this Christian walk I have because I fail at so many things so often.

All of this is just scratching the surface of my list. I could absolutely go on and on for days about how lacking I am. I would also bet that if the lady next door, the mailman, the kid starting the school day or anyone else sat down to evaluate life, their list would be just as long. Nobody ever wants to talk about it though, the things we lack. Instead, we smile and pretend, taking up our costumes to act out another day.

I wonder though, what would happen if we were just honest?

In a post on social media a few days ago, our youth pastor’s wife answered that very question for me. In just a few short lines, she talked about her insecurities….honestly.

Ya’ll, this girl is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She is the kind of person that when she laughs, she really laughs…and it makes you want to laugh too. She is kind and compassionate, thoughtful about the needs of the people around her. She has a beautiful daughter (who is so completely her and so completely her husband at the same time) and she is soon to have another little girl to spoil. I know in knowing her that her daughters will grow up knowing Jesus. They will know that being daughters of their Heavenly Father makes them royalty and will be taught to live in such a way that it brings glory to His name and to His kingdom. In seeing how she lives her life, I am confident in the statements I just made. In seeing how she lives her life and knowing her, I can see Jesus in her…I can see what is on the inside. It does translate to the outside.

I say all that because in her post, which wasn’t a “pitiful me” kind of thing but instead was actually a shout out and promotion for a friend of hers, she talked about how she compares herself to other moms, to other women. She talked about being insecure in herself, in her ability to parent her daughters “the right way” and how much she needed the women around her who reassure her that she is enough.

Huh. Seeing that little bit of honesty on social media from a confident, Godly woman made my wheels turn. The part that really grabbed my attention though? The amount of feedback she got from those who feel the exact same way.

The truth is, even when we can’t see it for ourselves, we are all enough. Even when we aren’t.

We live in a world where every single waking moment we have become bombarded by the perfect lives of others. We see their vacations, their mansions, their shiny cars, designer clothes, perfect hair and makeup. Other children, unlike our own, are always smiling, perfectly groomed and well behaved. The women are toned, tanned and perfectly airbrushed or retouched in some way and the men are handsome, muscled and masculine with the perfect touch of gentleness. Oh, and their marriages? They are hopelessly devoted, like Danny and Sandy. Unlike the actual Danny and Sandy, they never argue and are always blissfully happy.

Compare, compare, compare. When we see these images we find ourselves contestants in a race we never knew we entered. Want to know what the funny thing is? While we are comparing our lives to theirs, Danny, Sandy their 2.5 kids and loyal dog Fido (even though the kids and dog don’t know it) are all busy showing the world how perfect their lives are because there is yet another level of perfect being placed in front of them by someone else that they feel like they haven’t reached yet. Want to know what’s even funnier? There is someone else out there comparing their life to yours because you intimidate them with the “perfect” you don’t even know you have. And so the road goes on.

Can you see it? Can you see that no one is enough in their own eyes? Can’t you see where we have all been conditioned to keep moving, keep pushing and keep grabbing for the “more”? It’s no wonder depression and anxiety are at all time highs. It’s because no one ever stops to bask in the achievement anymore. (Sometimes it’s just the achievement of putting one foot in front of the other and continuing on for another day and THAT IS OK!) We no longer look back to see how far we’ve come and appreciate our accomplishments. Instead, we run until we are weary and can no longer lift our heads, chasing after things and a way of life that will never truly satisfy or grant happiness.

What would happen if we each stopped for the moment to stop comparing and start lifting? If I spent as much time being thankful for who I am, what I am and where I am as I do comparing the way I do/say/feel about things, I’d no longer worry about the world’s view of me. I’d finally begin to see myself the way Christ sees me: imperfect, rough with edges yet to be smoothed, passionate, beautiful, set apart, righteous and saved by His grace, without mistake and just as HE intended.

So I turn my eyes back to me. Have I reached a point in my life where I’m jaded against being happy with where I am? Have I forgotten to look over my shoulder and see how very far God has brought me? Sometimes. I go back and look at my list, at all the negative things I see in myself, all the things that are so much more worse in me than they are others around me and wonder if it’s possible to see positives in each point. Can I, for the moment, take stock in myself…not in who others think I am but who I really am? Possibly. Do you mind if I take a moment and try it?

I am opinionated for sure. There is no denying that. BUT in my loudness, I will fight for you as much as I do for myself and probably embarrass you in doing so. My opinions are not always selfish (I’d be lying if I said they were never selfish and we all know it). I want others, especially women to know they are not alone and the thoughts, actions and callousness of this world DO NOT define them.

If sticking my foot in my mouth were an Olympic sport, I’d be walking around in some bling ya’ll. ALL. THE. TIME. Saying the wrong thing and being blunt with it will sometimes get you in big trouble. I don’t try to be offensive (though sometimes it’s hard to tell) and more often that not, I want my words to be words of affirmation…even if they don’t sound that way. I’m a firm believer in loving hard (when it’s necessary), telling the truth about situations (even when it hurts) and not sugar coating things. I’ve always said I shouldn’t be asked a question if a real answer is not wanted. When my husband and I were over the youth, I stayed in trouble ALL THE TIME because of things I said to our kids….because the adults who “knew me” actually only knew what they assumed about me. Those kids though? They’d call at all hours of the night about everything. Even when they were mad at me. I really do genuinely have a deep love for the people around me….even if my words don’t express it enough.

I have talked to both of my children at different times about the things I wish I could have done differently for them. I have cried. I have apologized. I have yearned to teach them from the mistakes I have made and help them to be better parents when the time comes. Now that they are both adults, I try sometimes to talk to them about the ways I screwed up so that maybe they will see that I did my best. In all of it though, in all the fails, I can look at my kids and see maybe I didn’t jack it up so badly after all. Both of my children turned out to be good people. They are kind, compassionate and caring. When they love, they love with abandon, with an insane love that takes everything they have inside of them captive…the same love I always tried to show them. I know for a fact that my kids can look back on life and say, without a doubt, that I always showed up for them and found a way. Even on the days I failed.

My husband and I have been through hell together. You name it and it’s probably happened to us. We met fast, married fast and were seasoned fast. Which led to aging our marriage fast in just a few short years. Since July of 2010, my eyes have only been for him and I’m betting that if you asked him about my feelings for him, he’d tell you the same thing. He knows I’m not perfect and he doesn’t expect me to be. Most days, I think it isn’t in spite of my flaws that he loves me; it’s because of them. Deserving or not, it really is a lifetme love that I have found in him. Somehow, even on the days I’m short tempered and completely unlovable, he finds something to love about me.

My best friend, the woman who knows my soul as if it were her own, currently lives a little over 2 hours away from me and I would love to say that that distance is the reason we sometimes go a week or two without speaking. That would be a lie though because there are people who live minutes from my house and I still sometimes find it difficult to continue cultivating even those relationships. I don’t set out to ignore but I’m sure I have given off that impression a time or two. Unlike the newer people in my life, that soul tie friend I have knows that even when we haven’t physically spoken, I’m close by her side. I’m still supporting, lifting up and cheering on….I’m just doing it from uunderneath a pile of rubble. Maybe one day, I’ll be better about communication, others will be able to hear my voice from under the heap and know that even if I’m not seen, I’m still there.

All those gifts I haven’t given my dad? Yeah, he isn’t the only one. I have no excuse, no reason and no clue what positive could be found here except that after 40 years of seeing how forgetful I am maybe my family still knows how deep my love runs. Even if I’m not showing it enough.

Finally, we get to the most important point: praying and reading my bible. Surly I’m not alone on this one. Right? I can’t be the only person attacked with a spirit of busyness, always finding something else to do that keeps me from time with Him. My excuse these days is a random hectic schedule keeping me from an appointed time, which really is some what true. It is difficult to have a devoted time of the day like I use to when I worked a 9-5 job. I still spend time alone driving though. I still have a few quiet minutes before bed. Small patches of solitude can be found throughout the day. So is my schedule really a legitimate excuse? No, apparently not. I do find comfort in knowing that I am far from where I once was. I do know Christ. I do long for the peace that comes from a stormy heart being soothed and restored by the love of Jesus and the grace of my God. My discipline needs work though and sometimes my mind needs reminding. It’s a process, I know. There will never come a time when it’s enough…and I have to be ok with that. It just seems like sometimes instead of moving forward, I’m taking long leaps backwards and that is extremely frustrating to an already weary heart.

So, there it is, all my work to be done. Here, listed in black and white are the things I struggle with most from day to day (not all that I struggle with…just what tops the list). On their own, I can pick apart each one, find the good and the bad and somehow walk away not feeling so awful about myself. If I open Facebook, walk into church or listen to the person sitting next to me however, I really will be able to see the terrible in them and in me.

That’s been the whole point of this little talk we’ve had though isn’t it? Trying to learn the lesson of comparing? God doesn’t look at me and decide I don’t measure up to you so why should I continue to? All he ever has and ever will want from me is my best. Certain days, some bests on my list are better than others but that’s just life isn’t it? We will always alternate the things we fail and succeed at. I guess I need to do a better job at remembering that. And so should you. Because no matter how it looks next door, we really are all enough on our own. Even when we aren’t.