Yesterday, I stopped by the store on my way home to pick up some eggs and sausage for breakfast this morning. When I pulled into the driveway, Chuck met me at the Jeep to help me bring everything in. As we were unpacking the bags and putting everything away, he held the sausage up with a questioning look on his face so I explained that I wanted to cook breakfast for him this morning.
That was my plan, anyway.
We fell asleep on the couch last night and wound up staying the whole night there. When I awoke this morning, it was to him patiently waiting on me to open my eyes. I didn’t even get the chance to be fully awake before he sat up and told me to stay put, he wanted to cook for me this morning. He said that I’m always doing for him so this time, he would do for me. Well. Isn’t that just the sweetest thing.
It’s funny how such a small thing can be a big deal. I remember how life was not long ago in our house so sometimes it takes my breath away how far we’ve come. Things (from time to time) have been rough for the two of us. We’ve been married for just over 9 years but the experiences in those 9 years are enough to span a lifetime. One thing is for sure though…all the bad that we have survived has taught us how to appreciate the good we can find in each other now. As I look at him rambling around our small kitchen, I find myself thankful that I finally recognize how he says “I love you” because for a long moment, the barriers of communication, mostly self imposed, seemed to block out everything.
Often, especially on social media, a glossy, unrealistic relationship expectation is given to us. For those of you who didn’t read the last blog, I talked about how we stay so busy comparing ourselves to the seemingly perfect life of others that we forget or miss out on the opportunity to see what God has placed in front of us and the many ways we are blessed in our own lives. Every day, there are pictures or memes posted that are hash tagged “relationship goals”. Without fail, those posts always include some sort of over the top and grandiose romantic gesture (from money and a note about going shopping lying on a bed or a counter, to being whisked away to a suite with rose petals and new lingerie waiting to be put to use). I guess with all of that placed in front of us every day, it’s no wonder we have lost the ability to recognize the love language we share with the people in our lives. Or maybe that was just me.
I can remember, during one particularly dark time in our marriage, when I would look at Facebook or Instagram or even the people at the restaurant sitting at the table next to us and wish my husband would look at me the way those men looked at their wives because their love seemed perfect. I dreamed of public declarations of his love for me so that everyone would know just how much I meant to him. I wanted him to sing my praises to the people around us the way other husbands did because I should be the most important, the one he was most devoted to. The crazy thing is, now I know I always was, even through all the screw ups, fights and threats of walking away. I just didn’t see it.
One day while praying, I was asking God to change him (you know, ladies…like we always do) and God asked me why I thought it was my responsibility to make my husband who I thought he should be. What?!? I told God that he wasn’t who I needed him to be and that for our marriage to work, I needed to show him what I required to be happy. There had been too much that had happened between us. So much damage had been done that I just needed to take this marriage by the horns (so to speak) and teach this man how to love me. Never mind that I had reached a point (somewhere along the way) when I gave him nothing to hope for (except staying and let’s be honest here…someone “just staying” in a house with you and using that time to hammer you for your mistakes while never recognizing their own really isn’t a prize). The fact that I gave him no expectation of love never quite seemed to dawn on me. I was so focused on the speck in his eye that I was blind to the plank in mine.
(Please give me a moment to stop here and give a little piece of advice. Don’t EVER make my mistake and tell God you know better than he does. He will laugh you right off that high horse you sit on, I can personally guarantee it.)
The problem, God began to show me, was not that I needed to change him to be what I needed. The solution to the problem was that WE needed to allow GOD to change US to be what WE needed. As God began to reveal this to me, He let me in on a little secret…the actual problem wasn’t that my husband didn’t love me anymore, it was that (1) I no longer looked for his love and (2) I no longer gave him a safe place for his love to land. Don’t hear what I’m not saying. It took both of us to jack this thing up. Equally. But when you get down to it, which ever one of you it is that really starts seeking redemption in your marriage, you have to understand that it is going to come at the cost of your pride, your anger and your self. In order to begin to walk the road to a healthy marriage, you have to take a good, long, healthy look at those three fingers pointing back at you when your accusing finger has been aimed at your spouse. You have to be willing to look for the root symptom of the problem and be ready to dig it up if need be.
Ya’ll what a moment that was for me. It isn’t something I learned just at that time, either. It is a revelation that I continue to discover, day in and day out. Since I began looking for his love and trying to give his love a place to land, an incredible thing has happened:
I remembered that when the live action Beauty and the Beast came out on my birthday, he took me to see it, with a smile on his face and no hesitation (even though he HATES those kind of movies).
When we started a meal delivery service, for the first time in his entire life, he cut up onions and peppers (which he detests) so that he could help with the meal prep before I got home.
If there are snacks I like, he will stop by the store and surprise me with them later on. (I am ashamed to admit I have a popcorn addiction, which I’ve noticed he willingly feeds.)
He carries a portable work fan with us when we go out of town because he knows I hate sleeping without one.
He braves Christmas shopping crowds (not always but when I ask he complies) so that I don’t have to go alone.
He eats at restaurants I want to try, knowing full well he may have to go through a drive through on the way home because he will not like the food there.
He texts me during the day and asks how my day has been and tells that he loves me.
He doesn’t refer to Raegan and Will as my kids or his step kids. Raegan is our daughter. Will is our son. And he never misses an opportunity to brag on both of them to anyone who will listen.
And the one that gets me every time?
Every morning, every single morning before work, he lightly kisses my forehead or my cheek, or my shoulder until I wake just enough for him to whisper “I love you” before he leaves for work.
Those are just a few examples that come to mind.
You know, not a single one of those things fit the fantasy bill for what people call relationship goals. None are extravagant nor are they movie worthy…at least according to society. To me though, they are hallmarks and surface scratches of an endless, ordained, forever love. The kind of love that as a little girl, I hoped to one day have.
As pots and pans bang around (mostly because he doesn’t know where everything is in the kitchen) and the smell of coffee wafts on air, I wonder if he knows that I’ve learned to see him, not for who I thought he was supposed to be but for who he is, the creation God designed just for me.
I watch him and I think about our daughter and our son, hoping that through the mess our lives have been, through the hardships we have faced, they are able to see the success and the love and that becomes the basis for their relationship goals. I pray they see that no matter how bad things get, no matter how shattered we may become, God can and will take those pieces and form a new shape, perfect, complete and more beautiful than ever before. I hope that those around us can see the miracle of our lives, His glory in our marriage and His mercy in our love.
I watch him and I am thankful for being teachable and able to learn. I am thankful for having my sight adjusted. I am thankful for allowing the cracks in my heart to be repaired.
And on the days I fail at those things?
On those days I am thankful for His grace, the strength to get back up and the fight He gives me to see, to listen and to reach for those goals.
Ramblings Of A Southern Girl 